In Memory

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.
- Euripides


13 years ago, my grandfather died of a stroke. He fell on the street, and was rushed to the hospital.
I'll never forget the day when my mother sat in the kitchen crying that he was in the hospital. He was brain dead, but breathing with a machine.
I ran up to my room. I probably cried. I drew him a picture, of a girl dancing for my parents to take to the hospital with them. I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have understood. All I saw in my mind was this awful big room with my dearest grandfather lying in the midst of these alien machines helping him to breathe.

The funeral was later. The only funeral I've been to at the time.
I was supposed to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow in the chapel, but I was crying so much I couldn't. To this day I regret not singing it.

I dreamt about him a couple of times, he appeared but I don't remember them so well.

Tonight was different. Tonight was something I'm still yearning for, still crying over. It was Utopia but ended with heartbreak.

In the dream we were all in Helsinki, at Grans apartment I live in now.
It was all different. My family was there, my cousin and my sisters two girls. Everyone was younger, the time was set many years ago.
It was all a bit blurry, the light coming from the windows. The dream effect one sees in movies.
We we're all laughing and having a really good time.

I remember we were going out on a picnic, like we used to at home when we were kids. Always going out in the yard to eat in the summers.

This was the same, even if the place wasn't. Everything about it was familiar, the feeling of the dream was like the biggest comforting hug. I remember thinking it was all real, this happened.

At some point I was in my room changing clothes and my cousin appeared. She said were leaving soon, that I better hurry up.
Then it suddenly dawned on me, this horrible realisation that this was a dream. It's not real because Grampa has been dead for 13 years.
I remember going into a state of panic, when I wake up I will never see my grandfather again. He won't be here, it's not real.
I cried like I've never cried in a dream before. It didn't stop, tears were just streaming down.

I ran downstairs just as everyone were about to leave, and threw myself into my grandfathers arms. We stood out in the warm hazy sunlight and I hugged him. I thanked him for coming to watch over me and see that we are good.
He looked so dapper, young and healthy. He smiled the warmest loving Grampa smile at me.

I cried. I realised how much I've missed him and still do.

I woke crying, thinking that this was the best dream I've ever had. I've been crying all day ever since.

Now I know, though, he's still watching us. Looking out for us, and I know that where ever he is he's well.


After all these long 13 years, I now dream about him.
It was the most beautiful dream, even if it was just a dream.

 The feeling has been with me all day. I can't shake it. Some dreams stay with you for a lifetime.

Afterwards I fell asleep again, going to back to the same dream, only it was nightfall and no one was here any more.
I remember thinking it still was the best dream, still crying...

I love you Grampa. With all my heart, and I miss you something fierce.
Be at peace!

-L-

When good bears go bad

"Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That's the problem."
- A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

About a month ago I had a very strange dream, nightmare really, about bears. I've always thought of bears as fairly docile creatures, keeping to them selves. Don't bother them and they won't bother me sorta thing.

In my dream they were quite the opposite.
It all happened in the woods somewhere in Finland (it was a very typical Finnish forest) where we (me and my family) were attending someone's wedding.
There were two main cabins, big enough to host a wedding party.

We were all inside dancing and generally having a fun time when suddenly a man says in a very concerned tone that there are bears outside.

I got really scared, because I thought "Why are they here, there's people here". The main cabin we were in has very large glass windows so we could see the bears sitting outside by the trees watching us.
All of a sudden one of the bears tries to come inside and everything got very panicky very fast.

At some point someone said that if the bears didn't see us it'd be safe to run to the other house, but that was a very bad idea as it resulted in a very bloody body parts everywhere massacre.
I was so scared, panicking and thinking Why are the bears after me?! I tried to hide while people were running around like crazy, getting killed outside and fainting inside.

The bears (I think there were three) tried their best to enter the house (thank god for dream physics, because the windows weren't an option) and I crawled inside this weird little tunnel between the two houses, crying and hyperventilating, trying to figure out what to do.

At some point I ended up upstairs in the first main house, with my two nieces. Bears everywhere.
After this I woke up all sweaty and terrified of bears.

All day I had a strange feeling, thinking it had something to do with my then current situation. I was packing and moving to another city, I had just graduated school and for the first time in forever I was free. Like, no attachments or anything, just me, myself and I.

I think it also has something to do with motherhood, and how, even though I've practically been living and living on my own, my parents have always been close, but they're not any more. Not in the same way.
I guess that 's how it is being the youngest of three, and my other sisters already have their own lives sorted out for the most part, being independent and everything.

My time to shine.

All in all, t'was a strange dream, and I really am a bit scared of bears now, even though where I live now there's very little chance to actually encounter one.

Tell me about your dreams, or comment on my weird ones.

-L-

I bid thee welcome

Dream: A succession of images, thoughts or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. An involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie. 

Remember those stories you used to write when you were a kid; they could be frightening or just so funny it made no sense, and they'd all end with "And suddenly he/she woke up to find it was all just a dream"?

I sometimes wake up to that thought 'Thank the goddess it was only a dream because that bear would have mauled me to slimy bits and pieces...'

For many years I've been writing down my dreams, because sometimes they are so odd I just can't wrap my head around it.

Nowadays I feel they're so weird You lot, my dear readers, get to read about them.

Sometimes I try to decipher my dreams, try to figure out if they have some deeper, subconscious meaning or if they're really just pictures of my mind running amok leaving me with bits and pieces of what little sanity I have left... curiouser and curiouser...

Dreams have always fascinated me, ever since forever.

They say every face you see in a dream you've seen in real life... I believe that at some level this might be true, but then again some faces I see are just so alien-like there's no possible way that person or being ever existed..

I kind of believe that our subconscious makes it up as we go along, strolling down Dreamy Lane, thinking "Oh hey, this is a good place for that mega dreamy guy, let's have him here, and make you yearn after him (or her) forever" or " Aha! What's more conspicuous than a green strange creature in a Prada suit?" 

I really did have a dream once, of the perfect man. It left me depressed for days... but I'm also a hopeless romantic, so that's probably why. I am 100% I have never seen the dream guy in my life. 

So I now invite you all into my strange life where my dreams are even Stranger.

Have a pleasant journey!

-L-

Disclaimer:

Due to dreams being very strange, and some times the time frame hops, or the dream ends and another one begins, I will alter the text to make it more readable so it becomes easier for everyone. I once read about a dream I had when I was a kid, and it was so oddly written I didn't see head from toes on that one, so I really had no idea of what I was dreaming... sadly.