In Memory

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.
- Euripides


13 years ago, my grandfather died of a stroke. He fell on the street, and was rushed to the hospital.
I'll never forget the day when my mother sat in the kitchen crying that he was in the hospital. He was brain dead, but breathing with a machine.
I ran up to my room. I probably cried. I drew him a picture, of a girl dancing for my parents to take to the hospital with them. I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have understood. All I saw in my mind was this awful big room with my dearest grandfather lying in the midst of these alien machines helping him to breathe.

The funeral was later. The only funeral I've been to at the time.
I was supposed to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow in the chapel, but I was crying so much I couldn't. To this day I regret not singing it.

I dreamt about him a couple of times, he appeared but I don't remember them so well.

Tonight was different. Tonight was something I'm still yearning for, still crying over. It was Utopia but ended with heartbreak.

In the dream we were all in Helsinki, at Grans apartment I live in now.
It was all different. My family was there, my cousin and my sisters two girls. Everyone was younger, the time was set many years ago.
It was all a bit blurry, the light coming from the windows. The dream effect one sees in movies.
We we're all laughing and having a really good time.

I remember we were going out on a picnic, like we used to at home when we were kids. Always going out in the yard to eat in the summers.

This was the same, even if the place wasn't. Everything about it was familiar, the feeling of the dream was like the biggest comforting hug. I remember thinking it was all real, this happened.

At some point I was in my room changing clothes and my cousin appeared. She said were leaving soon, that I better hurry up.
Then it suddenly dawned on me, this horrible realisation that this was a dream. It's not real because Grampa has been dead for 13 years.
I remember going into a state of panic, when I wake up I will never see my grandfather again. He won't be here, it's not real.
I cried like I've never cried in a dream before. It didn't stop, tears were just streaming down.

I ran downstairs just as everyone were about to leave, and threw myself into my grandfathers arms. We stood out in the warm hazy sunlight and I hugged him. I thanked him for coming to watch over me and see that we are good.
He looked so dapper, young and healthy. He smiled the warmest loving Grampa smile at me.

I cried. I realised how much I've missed him and still do.

I woke crying, thinking that this was the best dream I've ever had. I've been crying all day ever since.

Now I know, though, he's still watching us. Looking out for us, and I know that where ever he is he's well.


After all these long 13 years, I now dream about him.
It was the most beautiful dream, even if it was just a dream.

 The feeling has been with me all day. I can't shake it. Some dreams stay with you for a lifetime.

Afterwards I fell asleep again, going to back to the same dream, only it was nightfall and no one was here any more.
I remember thinking it still was the best dream, still crying...

I love you Grampa. With all my heart, and I miss you something fierce.
Be at peace!

-L-